someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
