my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
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