so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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