i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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