I wanna passion pit in your ass
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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