You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
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