You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
