The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
