tonight lets celebrate not being married
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
