Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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