Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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