We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
