So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize