She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
