This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Just cropdusted the office
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
