i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
