you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
