I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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