i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
how does that bad decision feel?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
