Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
