remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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