im six kinds of drunk right now
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
