Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
