her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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