happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
