Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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