I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
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