Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Randomize
