i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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