Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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