so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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