I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
