we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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