if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
