I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
