Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
