She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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