Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
My ATM looks so different sober.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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