Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
