my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
God, I missed his penis.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
