watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
