debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
