i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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