When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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