So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
You ruined the universe
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
