Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
