He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
There's even glitter on my cock...
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