toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
