hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
