It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
