no, he came in my armpit
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Randomize
