Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
