i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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