my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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