best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
