I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
