Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
